As I look back over my 35 years, and the life that I have forged for myself, I can’t help but laugh at the things that have become an almost daily occurrence.
As a parent there are so many things you end up doing, that you had absolutely no clue that you would BC (before children). These things would be laughable to your pre-child self (and even post child self) so I have decided to list some of the barmy things that have become my daily norms…the list is not extensive (nor entirely coherent) and I am sure that many more lists, chapters, and abridges will emerge over the coming days, weeks, months and years.… but here we are Chapter 1, Verse 1: The Parental list of all the things you never thought you would end up doing…..
- I didn’t know that hiding in the kitchen would become a daily stealth mission while trying to silently eat biscuits and chocolates without being busted (as I type I am scoffing my face with a chocolate digestive biscuit before I get rumbled…)
- I didn’t know that my children would start patting me on the head and saying ‘good pet’ whenever I did something that they approved of.
- I didn’t know that I would never walk at an adult pace once my children were out of the buggy and ‘independently’ walking
- I didn’t know that my third Childs second word would be ‘shit’ and that it would become her most favourite word to shout out to everyone, (much to her older siblings delight) nor that she would use it with impeccable context and understanding.
- I didn’t know that bathroom doors would be redundant.
- I didn’t know answering the phone would be impossible and that If I ever did answer the phone with the kids around, no matter how peaceful the room was pre-phone call, as soon as I utter ‘hello’ a full scale riot would break out.
- I didn’t know I would lie so readily….for example lying about what the time is to get them to bed early. This worked a treat until their bloody education started working. Two out of my three kids can now competently tell the time and no longer fall for the lie….
- I didn’t know that I would never sleep recreationally again, that I would always wake up at 7am. Every. Damn. Day. Even if the kids sleep in.
- I didn’t know that I would become an extreme referee having to explain that we don’t threaten to fart/wee or poo on; neither that we hit/maim/decapitate or murder our siblings no matter how annoying they are being (even if at times I want to respond in the same way)
- I didn’t know that doing anything would be so stressful; that It would take soooo long to simply leave the house, and that the more of a hurry we would be in, the slower all the children would become.
- I didn’t know how much trash talk my offspring would throw at me, that whenever I couldn’t do something (especially something that my kids think of as simple) I would get called a noob.
- I never thought I would learn and use gaming nicknames like ‘noob’.
- I didn’t know that my phone would be in constant use for video group calls with a bunch of gaming 8 year olds.
It is totally true what they say, nothing quite prepares you for parenting, but alongside this nothing prepares you for the hilarious day to day happenings of life as you pretend to be a competent parent. If I told my 20 year old self what I would be doing at age 35 oh how we would laugh – the 20 year old me with quiet disbelief, and the 35 year old me slightly maniacally at the complete naivety of my 20 year old self….