It is a truth universally acknowledged that all cute squishy babies will turn, seemingly overnight, into total demons. I’ve discussed the curse of the threenager in a previous blog, but my oh so very nearly 2 year old is definitely deep in the terrible twos!
We continuously make excuses as parents for our ‘precious little cherubs’ outbursts with phrases like ‘they’re tired’ or ‘they’re just a bit hungry’, ‘they don’t understand what they’re doing’, ‘they are so frustrated at not being able to communicate properly’. We explain to ourselves that they are having developmental and growth surges, that they are learning so much at a rapid pace and blah, blah, blah. BUT, could it not just be that toddlers are by their very nature absolute dickheads?
We seem to pander to the wills of this explosive demon with a face like an angel like our lives depend on it. I watch my older two kids relinquish everything to their terrorist of a little sister for fear of the resulting fall out. My 6 year old had a shoe lobbed at her head yesterday because she wouldn’t let her little sister sit on her head and strangle her….
My 8 year old finds it hilarious until she gets the other switch controller and as he’s playing proceeds to press all the buttons until the game is cancelled and returned to the home screen. At which point the toddler has the face of someone who has achieved a covert mission that only she knows the importance of.
She loves biscuits, her favourite is a bourbon, she has taken to hogging the biscuit barrel after dinner and dishing out biscuits to everyone. If we dare to pick our own she screams at us, she will then take it back and select for us – all the while looking at us like she will kill us all in the immediate future. The other day we did the unthinkable and let the bourbons run out; we tried to palm her off with rich tea biscuit – she will eat these so long as she can dip them in tea – her dad had a coffee but it was almost empty. She tried to dip her 2nd rate biscuit into the mug and upon realising that her biscuit wouldn’t reach the liquid, inspected the mug, saw that it was coffee, took a bite of the biscuit, spat it out in protest and threw the biscuit across the room.
Reactions like biscuit gate are an almost daily occurrence with a toddler, you never really know when it will strike nor what will trigger it, you just hope that you can style it out wherever and whenever it might happen.
A fellow mum experienced this today at an actual real life(!!) toddler group – her daughter was offered a sticker at the end of the class and her mum wanted to take the sticker and remove the back to stick it onto her jumper, so far so normal. The toddler upon realising her mum was trying to take the sticker, proceeded to scream and shout that it was in fact her sticker and her mum couldn’t have it. The toddler then tried sticking the sticker on to her jumper, when it wouldn’t stick onto her jumper she rolled around on the floor crying and shouting that her sticker wasn’t sticky….The mum tried to take the sticker to remove the backing to solve the problem, and the toddler resumed shouting that it was definitely HER sticker and her mum couldn’t have it….and around and around she went on the toddler conveyor belt of shit. You try to convey a knowing smile to the mum – let her know that she isn’t alone, that in fact your kid is also an utter arse, but these damn face masks make it impossible to show this basic human interaction – I just hope my eyes were expressive enough. And if they weren’t then I am sure at an upcoming class soon she will see first hand that my toddler is also a dick….