Day 5687 in lockdown (I joke it’s actually day 14 but who’s counting anyway eh???) Today has been super tough I’ve felt so extremely uptight I can’t explain it… it has taken my absolute all to try and maintain some kind of equilibrium. I know what started it, it’s the first proper day of ‘live lessons’ for both of my kids. Starting at a set time and trying to be ‘on’ with little sleep and a toddler to entertain with absolutely nothing but me has me tightly wound like a fucking spring waiting to pop. For those without kids live lessons are like zoom / FaceTime or Skype classrooms where your kids can gather and attempt a lesson with an actual teacher while you sit in the background hoping to hell you don’t get shown on the screen because 1) it starts far too early and 2) you are a total mess because you have used everything you have in your arsenal to get all of your children ready for the classes that sorting yourself out is impossible so you look like a haggard zombie…. Even as I write this I can feel the tension just ‘there’, consuming me.
I had to momentarily pause the writing of this blog to have a mini meltdown because I picked up a hot plate and broke it on my kitchen worktop….I am not coping well today!! Any way I digress……
My eldest has been super tricky to get focused and has needed a lot of reminders to concentrate, my middlest has serious rage issues and my youngest is getting increasingly annoyed with all of us at the total lack of interest and attention she is getting. Trying to do everything is like spinning plates, erratically and unsuccessfully (like the one I just smashed to pieces in the kitchen), I know I am not alone and that January 2021 is turning into a total cluster-fucking shit show, but that is little solace when you are deep consumed within it.
We have to tag team the toddler during home learning – it’s the only way to achieve anything, and today I tried to ignore this basic rule and encourage them both to work at the same time independently (ish) so we could finish the day earlier than usual…..I came to check what they had achieved and the answer is the following picture:
I think we can all agree that this was not the brief, but I admire the tenacity and the creative flare, I actually can’t believe that they achieved this masterpiece just using pages!!!
This lockdown has felt easier and a whole lot harder at the same time if that makes any sense at all. I had hoped that by this time this year, our lives would have improved, I didn’t expect it to be business as usual, but I at least though we might feel like we were approaching semi- normalcy. It is hard to not feel anger: anger at how incompetently our government has handled this situation, anger at how much time I have spent away from the people I love and general anger at what this whole situation has done and continues to do to us all mentally and physically. There is only so much positivity one person can channel and I feel like I’m hitting my peak all the time.
I am lucky and cursed in this situation as I have 3 children, cursed for obvious reasons as I have now been promoted – against my will – to full time mother, teacher, worker and all round sorter outer. But having the kids is a constant distraction – they cheer me up when I need it the most, they distract me from the madness, they keep me exceptionally busy so time actually goes freakishly fast in this vortex of crap. If I didn’t have them i’m sure the last year would have been harder in so many ways – I would have been more drunk (honestly I would have!), I most certainly would have been more rested but I would been lazier and I would have border. I have to remember these facts when I’m arguing for 2.5 hours about leaving the house to go for a walk solo with 3 kids while the other half is working; where by after finally getting the bastards out the toddler refuses to walk any further and proceeds to roll around on the forest floor until I carry her home. Side note she refuses point blank to go in the buggy now because she wants to be like the bigger two and “walk”, only she gets bored of walking and knows that, as the only one with any power in this family, she will get her own way… Every. Single. Time!
And so my lockdown mantra continues: this will not be forever, this will end, this will not be forever, this will end, this will not be forever, this will end………..
Don’t mind me just a mother of three, gently rocking, having a minor breakdown……..